you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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