I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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