sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i've created a new STD.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
