Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
