hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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