Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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