She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
