Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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