he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
