Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
