just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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