I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
