He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
