the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do vagina's smell?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
