I love black thongs
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
