I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
