"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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