Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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