Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I did not marry a roomba.
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