I am puke
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
