you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
