just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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