Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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