So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
