and my herpes radar will keep us safe
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
