I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
