i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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