My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
