Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
