mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
