if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
