my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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