did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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