Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
