96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
