You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
