no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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