today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
