Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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