Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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