The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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