I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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