Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
