I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
