I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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