I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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