and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
