I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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