My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
