Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
