I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
